dreams (a boring subject, i know)

recently i've been having dreams that involve people doing me wrong, and as a result me having to physically attack them. ok, i probably didn't "have to" but that's what it felt like.

for instance, this morning i had a dream that there was a group of guys who stole my GPS and my credit card, and so i beat the living shit out of 2 of them after cussing them all out and i became their leader.

this is obviously something i would never do in real life. i would like to think that if the situation arose for me to defend myself or my loved ones that i could deliver, but i'd never beat the shit out of someone like i did in that dream. i was so angry, so very very VERY ANGRY, i can't put it much more simply than that. some seriously pent up frustration going on in my head.


i'm sure it has everything to do with what's going on in my life right now. right now, i feel like maybe someone might be using me, might be doing me wrong, might be taking advantage of me. i don't really know. but it makes me so, so, SO angry to think that they might be doing such a thing. not that i would ever, EVER actually act violently upon someone who did something like just take my kindness for granted, but the feelings of frustration build up inside and manifest themselves in a violent way in my dreams.


whew. how did i ever get so angry?


-C out

Excuse me, sir, do you have a minute?

I'd love to tell you about an EXCITING NEW OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU! Yes, sir, YOU! Please, sir, this is no joke, this is no gimmick! Please have a seat in this wonderful gold and diamond-encrusted thrown you see here before you.

Sir, I would like to offer you, right now, free of charge, the amazing opportunities of... EMPLOYMENT! This is no dream, sir, this is no scam! I would like to give you a job right now so that you can have everything you've ever wanted!

Now that may be a stretch to say, of course. I mean we all know that as soon as we have "everything we've ever wanted" we want more but this will satisfy that first part for now. Don't believe me? Think about all the exciting things you'll have and be able to do because you'll have a... JOB!

Exciting thing number one!
A CAR! Yes, you'll finally be able to buy that CAR you want! You don't even know what kind you want, but you'll be able to get one and it will be yours and it will be YOUR CAR! Yes, sir, don't worry about silly things like "payments" or "insurance" at the moment, just think about the car. MMmm, sounds good doesn't it?

Exciting thing number two!
YOUR OWN PLACE TO LIVE! Yes, with a JOB you can LIVE ON YOUR OWN! In this case with a small group of friends, of course, but that's FANTASTIC as well! Because they all have jobs and cars and you don't! So now you'll be as cool as your friends AND live with them! WIN WIN WIN WIN!

Exciting thing number three!
ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW BUT CAN'T HAVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB!!!!!

YES, SIR, THIS IS NO JOKE, NO SHENANIGAN; I'M NOT PULLING YOUR LEG OR YANKING YOUR CHAIN OR BUSTIN' YOUR CHOPS! I have saved the best exciting thing for last. Are you ready?

Now, this last one is not one that simply comes with the job, this is something that's going to come with time, experience, and hard work. But this job is the first step on the way to this very, very exciting thing.

Are you ready?

Exciting thing number four!
A life.

So what do you say, sir? Are you in?


-C.W.H. out.

so i've got to ask myself..

Allright, so i might have this "problem", that "problem" might be that my location hinders my abilities to give a shit.

Let's peel this back by layers.

LOCATION LAYER 1: The United States of America.

this is going to sound really cliche, but i feel like Americans are practically comprised of the greatest don't-give-a-shits in the world. we love to tout about all these "freedom" stuff, that we're free to do what we want, with our freedom of speech, etc etc etc... but we just don't really care about much but ourselves. even that sort of spirals down to nothing, really. as long as we're happy we're fine, but our standards for happiness are so low it's practically useless to start with.

wouldn't i be happier anywhere else? i love Japan and Iceland, i'd love to just live there instead. they have culture and uniqueness and beauty i simply can't seem to find in the States. they have a sense of duty, responsibility, and respect for themselves and others i simply can't find in the States. so would i be better planting my roots on other shores?

LOCATION LAYER 2: Kansas.

quite possibly one of the most boring states in the U.S., but that's not so much the issue hear. i find a level of "comfort" and "complacency" in Kansas that i almost can't stand. the slow divers, the hum-drum attitude... many other habits and attitudes that i myself struggle with constantly. i haven't done an enormous amount of traveling in my day, or at least i haven't stayed in any other place besides Kansas long enough to adapt another places' attitudes, but i can safely say there's something far too "laxed" in Kansas.

this is starting to get insulting, isn't it? sorry if you're offended.

would i thrive in another state, at least? would i have more fun and excitement living on some coast, or in the mountains? would a change of scenery outside of the midwest do me whole heaps of good?

LOCATION LAYER 3: The City of Olathe.

for reasons completely unknown to me, this city has called itself "The City of Champions." but there really isn't anything to do here. i mean, i know it could be worse (i did live in Atchison for a while, and boy-o-boy...) but it's more than that i guess. it's the Johnson County attitude that might make me a little upset. so many high-income families around here, all of them adapting the same Kansas attitude as aforementioned.... sometimes just gets on my nerves.

would i be better off at least in a different CITY? Kansas City at the very least? have i just been in this suburb business for too long?

LOCATION LAYER 4: My parent's house.

i'm sure everyone can at least level with me on this one. nothing says "going nowhere" like living with your folks. no offense to anyone who still does, but this one is really killing me. this is not supposed to be the place i'm living now. i should be on my own, damnit! i should be free from my parents and their roof and their food and their insurance! i should be, but....

would i feel more alive if i just had my own place? would i be invigorated and excited to wake up every day knowing my hard work is what keeps this roof over my head? my hard work is keeping the water and electricity on?

or shouldn't i be better than that?

aren't i in charge of my own happiness?

isn't my well-being my responsibility?

haven't there been people throughout all of time and history in much worse situations than me who have found a way to be happy with it? who have still made something of their lives?

shouldn't i just be better than what i am now?

yeah, i probably should start there....

well as long as no one's looking...

should you tell a person who can't stand to see another person be happy that they need to get over their shit and move on?

that they should leave the person they can't stand to see happy alone, forget them, wipe them out of their mind, and just live their own damn life?

you know, perhaps when this happens to people (when they can't stand to see another person happy) it's because they're unhappy themselves.

and i suppose, maybe in this case, this might reasonably be supposed.

C

what i really meant to blog about

so over the past few days i've been meaning to blog about something. i forgot about it in my last post earlier today. as you can guess, since i am now unemployed, i'm going to have a lot more time on my hands for things like blogging. but maybe 2 posts a day is pushing it.

anyway, i've had an interesting/terrifying dream life as of late. i hate it hate it HATE IT when people share with me their dreams, because most of the time i can't see how it relates to anything. if your dream was random, well, cool, i guess, but do you really need to spend 15 minutes explaining it to me when i have no idea what your talking about or it isn't connected to anything? anyway... my dreams have had a common theme to them recently. i guess when i say "recently" i'll come clean with you and just say that i've had 2 similar dreams in the past month, which isn't even that big a deal, but due to the content it's been a little disturbing that i had more than one of them...

in my first one, i was on a train. not a passenger train, but a freight train on a flatbed cart. the tracks ran through the middle of a city and were elevated about 50 feet in the air. to my left and right were train tracks elevated 80 or so feet in the air, with trains moving in the same direction but at varying speeds. i knew i wasn't supposed to be on the train, but i didn't know where to go: it's elevated and going 90 mph. i look to my left and see the train on the tracks above me going faster than the one i'm on, and on the back of it i realize, with a rising horror, that there's a woman who's hung herself connected to the last track.

her rope is long, so she's flailing wildly on the back of this super fast train. she's in a white night gown, with red hair, but i can't see her face. i look up ahead and see a bridge the train is going to go under. i mutter under my breath, "no, no, noooo....!" but it's no use. her body flaps into the side of the bridge with a horrible splatting sound. she remains connected to the rope, but more limp than before. out of her clothing, white papers fly everywhere. i know without seeing what's written on them that they're suicide notes.

i make my way around the train and find that it's got cages full of women on the carts. these women are going to be sold in human trafficking businesses. i know this without hearing it, i just know it. some of the women have escaped the cages, but only so that they could follow suit of the red haired girl. all around me i start to see more and more women who have hung themselves, all swaying and rocking in motion to the fast moving train.



skip ahead a few weeks to last night.

my dream is animated, like a Japanese cartoon. people are throwing themselves into traffic. everywhere. there is blood everywhere. everywhere. blood. everywhere. people just keep running into busses and cars by the masses.



so what's this all about, anyway? what's going on? what is my "subconscious" (hahaha) trying to tell me in all this? am i suicidal? am i sick? twisted? i dunno, am i?

to be fair, though, yesterday i watched a great Japanese animated film called "Paprika", and there is a scene where people try to kill themselves, so maybe last night's suicide-capade had something to do with that...

and speaking of suicide, i just watched a great Japanese horror film involving the subject called "Pulse". it was made in 2001, when we Americans were making shit horror films such as "Bones" starring Snoop Dogg.

America :-P

Japan

in "Pulse", Kiyoshi Kurosawa (writer) explores human curiosity, loneliness, isolation, despair, suicide, and death. he puts a slow pace to the movie, but adds a sense of iriness and creepiness that is compounded by the music, direction, acting, and cinematography that American films have simply almost NEVER been able to master, let alone ATTEMPT. now "Bones", well... ok I haven't seen "Bones" but com'on, look at it. who in their right mind WOULD like to see a horror film with the tagline "Unleash the Dogg"? would someone please forbid movies like this from ever happening?

ok, this post has gone on long enough and i've said all i have to say. take care of yourselves, all, and remember: most of the time, almost every other country is better at making movies and music than America. if you don't believe me, you haven't been culturing yourself enough.

with that pretentiousness out of the way, i'm out.

corbin

for the thoughts that won't fit in a facebook status

so i quit my job today, and not a moment too soon... seems as though i've developed a case of something that looks a lot like bronchitis. in case you didn't know, i worked in a Pac Sun warehouse throwing boxes and boxes and boxes of jeans, shoes, shirts, and some really ugly blouses. i woke up at 4:20 a.m. to get to work by 5, and quitin' time was 3:45 p.m... a month later after working there, and i end it with a case of lung-hacking-phlegm-spitting-fun.

i'm trying my best to not sound like a whiney pants but i'm not doing such a good job...

could i share with you a very big flaw of mine? i have a "justification complex". i feel as though i have to justify my decisions to everyone, that somehow everyone who knows me and everyone who doesn't know me is watching every move and marking down little red "X"s in their notebook of Corbin. but there are a lot of flaws to this..well..flaw.

while stumbling one day, i found a list of things to remember about life. one of them spoke to me very strongly: "No one thinks about you as much as you do." i struggle a lot with this problem. why do i think people are always thinking about me? talking about me? what kind of person does that make me in my head?

do i really think people are reading this? are they? if they aren't, does that bother me?

[no, no, yes]

anyway, if anyone has any job prospects, hit me up, because i'm ready to grace any workplace with my sparkling, optimistic, smiling presence.

now if you'll excuse me, i've got to go cough up more pieces of my lungs.

thanks,
corbin