Wednesday, August 10, 2011

bread crumbs.

Lately I've been struggling with how it is that I've been living my life. My "philosophy" if you will. Not to mince words, it's fairly simple: I find myself most easily coping with and most strongly throwing myself into tasks and things that are directly in front of me. I feel most comfortable and alive when I "live in the moment."

What about the future? What about my long distance relationships? What about the world with all its peoples and problems outside the sphere of my work?

I don't know.

Sometimes I simply won't focus -- can't focus -- on things that aren't right in front of my face. I get so absorbed in my work and feel like I need to put all %100 of myself in my current endeavours that I forget to give some of that energy to my friends, my family, my God, etc. Lately all of these things have become difficult. Family's a bit easier at the moment because I still currently live at home, but that will soon change. Prayer is becoming exceedingly difficult to focus on, I can barely bring myself to focus on a good 5 minutes of prayer a day. I feel like relationships in my life are suffering a bit because of my current theatrical endeavours ... endeavours I love and hardly consider "work" at all. Taking on a role in theatre becomes a very big deal in my head, probably bigger than it needs to be, and I feel like a very heavy weight is on my shoulders and I must do my best to carry it. That sounds like a very negative analogy but I assure you I love every minute of it.

How bad is it that I live so much in the moment? How bad is it that I'm simply not focusing at all on any part of my future past the current day I'm in? How bad is it I have no idea where I'm going but all I know is that my path will most likely just be the result of pursuing whatever it is that I happen to be in love with at the moment, day after day, until those days become years and those years become my life?

I dunno.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just picking up God's bread crumbs day by day.

Sometimes, planning just seems like a lot of energy wasted on uncertainty.