Monday, October 22, 2012

Everything looks neat today.

I have no idea what the title of this post is going to be. I'm just going to write for a bit and see what I make of it all later.

So my last post was in June... It's been a while I guess. Well, at least it seems like it's been a while to me. In many ways, it  feels like I'm coasting through life. In many other ways, it feels like my life changes drastically from day to day.

I'm becoming a lot more clean and organized as a person. A long time ago (I don't remember when) a wise man once told me (I don't remember who) that ... that... Well, it wasn't really a quote, it was just an idea: The cleanliness and organization of the spaces in your life reflect the life in your mind. If you feel like your life is one big insane mess, your bedroom probably reflects that. So I've begun making my environment (both at home and at work) clean(ish), and I can't tell you how much more calm I feel as a result of it all. Anxiety rarely rears its ugly head as long as my desk is clean, my room is clean, this shop is clean.

I never thought I'd grow up to be this person one day.

I've also developed an aversion to people whose life and problems seem petty to me. I've been encountering people (both new friends and old friends) whose time and energy seem wasted on absolutely ridiculous things. Allow me to clarify what I mean by this: Basically, my philosophy in life is that YOU ARE IN CONTROL. You might say, "What about hurricanes? Or cancer? Or God?" Yeah, those are pretty powerful forces, but You Are in Control of How You Handle Things Outside of Your Control. So basically, if there's someone in my life whose problems seem to bother them but who don't feel the need to make any attempt at taking control of the situation, it kind of drives me crazy.

No, not drives me crazy .. It's not like I go "AHHH! I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR BULLSHIT!" and run away. It feels more like we're on two separate boats and as soon as I hear them bitch about something dumb that they do have control of but choose not to fix the problem themselves, I put my hands on their boat and lightly push myself away from them. A slow drift occurs as the tides of time gently move us apart in different directions. I'll stand and wave slowly while they talk to themselves about something dumb that they can get over if they just tried.

That being said, if you feel like you and I are drifting apart, reader; don't take this too personally. Sometimes my boat and my friends' boats drift apart naturally. Sometimes our boats drift apart due to neglect, either intentional or unintentional. Sometimes we drift apart because because I get lazy, or busy, or selfish. If you ever want to talk, I'm always up for it. I've been getting a little ... homesick? Nostalgic? Not sure what it is. A strange combination of those things. Basically, as a result of me planning the rest of my year recently in which events include engagement, marriage, grad school, and moving away to God-knows-where -- I've been pensively looking back at past experiences and people and just been very grateful to everyone and everything that's gotten me to where I am today. It's true that not everything has been 100% ideal, but I wouldn't change anything for the world.

Glad I wrote all this down.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I could talk for hours


It sure has been a while. I didn't even bother checking when my last post was or what it was about. But I figure there's no harm in just .. writing something.

Not sure if life is ever going to stop feeling like it's in a transitory stage. Right now I just feel like I'm waiting for the summer to be over so I can start my next year at BC. But before that I need to put this show up. Before that I need to unpack my truck ... But after BC I'm gonna have to find a place to live in KC, but before I even start BC I need to find a new place to live in Atchison ...

Yeah, it'll never stop feeling like I'm in transition.

But you know what the saddest part of all of that last paragraph was? I quote: "I just feel like I'm waiting for the summer to be over". How incredibly sad is that? Ridiculous.

Well, I'll do my best within my budget to make this summer a ... well, a summer.

And I'll do my best not to think of things in terms of "transitory". So what if new things are on the way? Doesn't mean the time I have right now means any less.

Catcha later,

Sunday, January 1, 2012

So the other day I wrote a blog post. But I was very drunk and decided everything I said was ridiculous. It had to do with my decision to remove myself from social networks. I'm sure this is cheating, even keeping up a blog, but hey. Maybe it's fine.

I removed myself from social media for a lot of reasons, but the most prominent was that I had a lot of complaints about them, such as the fact that there was so much negativity pumping through their swollen veins. I had a lot of "friends" who I didn't care to know every detail of their lives about. I found myself not only getting angry at most of the posts that I saw, but judging people for silly reasons. For a while, I tried to monitor myself and my posts carefully. I did my best to hide peoples' posts whom I didn't care for or who were "sharing too much" for my taste. I did my best to make sure if I was posting something, it was informative or positive. But eventually, I realized that, despite my efforts, I couldn't help but continue to fall into the same personal pitfalls I always had. I still ended up judging my friends and family, I still ended up posting stupid or negative crap, but each time I assured myself that I wasn't wrong this time, that this time  I had to do this, but next time I'll get it right. After realizing what I was doing -- how much I was lying to myself -- I decided enough was enough. If I can't get it right, if I continue to contaminate the internet and my social media circles with negativity and mindless garble, then remove yourself.

Take away the temptation to make the world a shitty place with all your mindless bullshit.

So here I am. 23, I love my work (for the most part), I live on my own, I'm single (my own damn, stupid fault), and I have no idea where I'm going. But for now, that's OK. For now, this is fine.

There's a rambling explanation of where I've been for the last long while for those who only kept up with me through social media. I don't think very many people outside of my social media circle actually read my blog, but for those that do, well -- here we are. Here I am. Hello.

I hope everyone had a Happy New Year. I remember exactly where I was at this time of my life last year. It's like after I graduated, I was born again. I have so many fresh and wonderful, scary and terrible memories of 2011. Let's hope for more of the same as I continue my trek through the amazing and splendidly fucked up world of "Not College."