breathing in, breathing out, not necessarily in that order

I had a friend one time tell me in college that she didn't think adults ever knew what they were doing. We were discussing how lost we felt in that whole "growing up and figuring out what you're going to do with your life" thing that everyone goes through in college. She said it didn't matter how old we got, we're still never going to know what we're doing.

I was shocked. I told her of course we'd know what we were doing some day. I told her that after a certain number of years, surely we would have seen it all, and could react to any situation with wisdom and preparedness.

Right?

What I failed to realize at the time was that no, life never stops throwing new things at you. At every stage in your life, you're always learning something new, always coming up against forces you've never reckoned with. You're getting a new job or you're trying to get promoted; you're getting engaged then getting married, then having KIDS; you just became a PTA mom, a boy scout den leader, a Knight of Columbus, the head of the social committee at work; you buy a car, you buy a house, you get loans, you get debt -- it never stops, it never lets you figure it out, it never lets you pin anything down, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME to know, you don't have time to become master of anything, you're always just trying to keep it all in the air, you'll never be able to stop and hold them and make them your bitch, you'll never really know what you're doing.

My friend was much smarter than me and she still is. I feel like a chicken with my head cut off about 90% of my day, about 8 days a week, about 32 days in the month... I guess everyone does, or maybe they don't, or maybe no one does -- maybe everyone else feels the way I do but they don't have to cry and complain about it on the internet.

I dunno, maybe.

Corbin

I'm terrible at updating this thing...

Sup, foos? It's uh... me again!

Aight, so life is what it is at the moment, you know, pretty crazy. I've started my own business (www.amway.com/corbinh), the play I was in ("American Bear" by Larry Mitchell) changed from a full-on production to a staged reading, rehearsals started for "Proposals" by Neil Simon at Parkville, and She&Her Productions is about to run head first into their next season. This means lots of work ahead for me, but work I'm excited to do.

As all these things stack up on my shoulders, I can't help but pause and reflect on habits I've begun to pick up on.

My social life has suffered immeasurably. This cannot be helped, and that's why it sort of breaks my heart. I need this job, this 9-5 job, in order to survive. I need Theatre, these 6-10 rehearsals, in order to stay sane. This leaves little to no time seeing my friends and family. Fortunately, I have lots of friends in theatre, and even some friends at the bank. Sometimes, I have weekends free, which gives me time to see family and non-theatre folk more. But I have so many other friends in town that I haven't seen in months. Hm.

This is my lament. I'm sorry for being a shitty friend/son/brother. Even a shitty boyfriend, some times. I guess I'm still just trying to figure out how this whole "Adult" thing works.

How do people hold down a job, do fulfilling work, and find enough time to share with their loved ones?

Maybe some people get to have a fulfilling job. Maybe some people have better time management skills. Maybe some people don't sleep.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Come out and support the arts when you can, because Senator Sam Brownback just gave the arts a nice kick in the balls, and we're gonna need all the help we can get to stay afloat now.

Theater blog to be updated soon. Comparison/Contrast of 2 productions of "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee." Sweet action.

-Corbin

one of the most commited men i know

see this guy?

looks pretty clueless, doesn't he? well sometimes looks can be deceiving, but other times they can be spot on.

in this case, it's the latter.

so in my last post a little while ago, i decided to "take a break from acting". i turned down being in the next Bottom's Up Sketch Comedy show. i didn't audition for another show i was really interested in over in Parkville. but, well, things have their ways of tipping you off your axis...

i just accepted the role of Vinnie in Neil Simon's "Proposals" over in Parkville. no, i didn't audition, but good friends of mine asked me to take the part and i accepted. i'm helping them out and, let's face it, getting a lot out of it myself. i'm not gonna lie, i'm really stoked.

and as soon as i accepted the role... as soon as i woke up the next day and began to get ready for work... this sense of clarity came over me. clarity like i haven't had in a while. a sense of sharpness and keaness in my mind and vision i only get when i'm acting in a show.

and let me tell you... it feels really fucking good.

maybe this will end up biting me in the ass, financially or otherwise. but that's the risk we all take when we accept a role. in theatre, or otherwise.

time to steal the show.

Corbin.

leave it to me to make things dramatic...

this is life, isn't it? you try, and you work, and you hope, and you pray, cross your fingers... and things don't always work out. but it's all about how you handle the things that don't work out. i'm just going to have to handle this to the best of my abilities.

here's my situation: i want to be independent, more than i want to do theatre, more than i want to do anything else. the only way to do that is to buckle down, work more, earn as much money as i can, and get out. the way i've been doing things so far, though... well, i just can't keep doing what i've been doing.

without looking too far into the future, the thing i've been thinking that would be best to do is just to cease all superfluous activity that won't make me money for a long time. no more theater, no more concerts, no unnecessary outings (as much fun as they are.) i'm moving back into my house at Olathe (as much as it PAINS ME to type those words), i'm going to try to pick up another job, and save, save, save.

i was thinking i could try to be big mr. independent-theatre-guy right out of the gates of college. this just isn't so. theatre has become a very expensive hobby, both in time and money. the thing i have to remind myself is: it will always be there. it isn't going anywhere. i'm not going to take up one day and all the theaters are gone, "Oh no, I missed my chance!" but i'm not getting anymore financially stable staying involved in it. in fact, quite the opposite. i wanted to make theatre my career, i wanted to teach it. but right now it's taking up too much of my time and money and it's not helping me get on my feet. once i'm on my feet, then i can start thinking about a responsible way to participate in the art that i love so much.

but for right now, play time's over.

maybe this is an over-reaction to things falling apart around me.
maybe this is an over-reaction to things not going the way i thought they would.
maybe this is an over-reaction in response to excessive amounts of anger and stress that i've been experiencing in my life lately.

maybe it is.
but i need to point myself in some direction.
as of the past 2 weeks, i have had none.
so at least if i tell myself what i want to do, if i can wake up everyday and say to myself "you've got a plan, Corbin, you've got to stay the course..."
well...

then maybe i can make it out of this thing alive.
but as of right now...

i can't keep going the way i've been going.

thanks for listening,
Corbin

of no importance

Today I decided to just talk about what's going on in my life. It's sort of a way for me to get things in order, to reflect, to maybe take notice of where I should be putting more of my time and energy.

• Currently reading: "Different Seasons" by Stephen King, "Rediscovering Catholocism" by Matthew Kelly, and "Proposals" by Neil Simon.
• Currently listening to lots of: The Naked and Famous (think M83 with more vocals, especially female, and a little poppier); Jonsi (lead singer of Sigur Ros, amazing CD); and Peter Fox (German rap/hip hop artist. Psh, yeah).
• Judged my first forensics tournament this weekend. It was a lot of fun! I'd love to do it again. I judged "Informative Speeches". Some were pretty rad, some not, but they all tried their hardest and did pretty decent jobs.
• Won $50 at a Super Bowl party last night from the final score numbers. Booyah.
• My room is still in a bit of disaray from the party I threw last weekend. Need to get that checked into today.
• My dream last night was that I was in a building where it was heaven upstairs, hell downstairs. You could only get downstairs by a really creepy ladder that came out of a hole in the floor. In heaven you could swim if you imagined the room was filled with water and fly if you imagined you were in the sky, and I got scared a few times because I started flying when I meant to swim... Oh yeah, and Satan was Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds, Green Hornet) and he was directing a play and I was the designer for lights and set. Huh.
• Been spending all my free time playing Tetris and watching movies on Netflix and old ones I downloaded ages ago but hadn't watched til just now. Of note are "The Road", "Vanilla Sky", and the PBS production of "Macbeth" with Patrick Stewart. All these movies are amazing. And my highest score on Tetris has been 93 lines.

Whew. I feel better just laying it all out like that.

That's all.

Corbin.

i owe it to you, i owe it to myself

... to make a post.

For the past few weeks I've wanted to write, but had nothing to say. My motto is, if you don't have anything worth saying, shut your damn pie hole. Then a good friend (who's stunningly good looking, btw) asked me to blog, and as luck would have it, I did read an interesting article today I think sparked a little... what...? anger? resentment? that I felt would be worth saying a thing or two about.

No doubt that some of you have heard of this, or have already seen the video, but here it is. It's the sting operation done on Planned Parenthood. To be honest, I haven't seen the video myself because I've been at work, but this article which contains a link to the video explains a lot of what was said, and needless to say it's troubling.

Don't feel like going through all that trouble? Read on and I'll summarize a bit... What we have here is an organization dedicated to making sure as many abortions happen as possible. Period. That's their bottom line. They may claim that their intentions are good, that they want to 'help' poor young people in tough situations, etc, but their actions don't support this. They consistently break the law by ignoring cases of statutory rape and actual rape by accepting said cases and not telling parents and/or authorities. They break the law to keep their numbers up and make sure there's no trouble that could disrupt business. It's dirty, unlawful, irresponsible, and sickening to think that they'll stop at nothing just to make sure people can have abortions whenever they want it.

I guess it just bothers me that Catholics get so much shit sometimes. I guess it just bothers me that I know people or are even friends with people who think all Catholic priests are a bunch of child molesters but who support Planned Parenthood and their actions. Where are their torches and pitch forks for PP? Where are the Dateline specials? Where is the outrage, the protesting? Oh, but those dirty Catholics, gotta make sure that shit stops right now.

And you know what, you're right. And you know what, we're trying. And so are the priests involved. But you know what I don't see? Any guilt or amendments from Planned Parenthood. They know what they do is wrong, they know they're breaking the law. But no one cares. They don't care, their supporters don't care, and somehow the law doesn't even seem like they're going to take action, because PP's going to continue to get grants and funding for their work. At least Catholics know that the priest scandal was appalling and we're trying to fix it. But this? This shouldn't stand.

Just makes me sick is all.

Corbin

the subtle way

i was having a wonderful conversation with my sister (over a few beers, of course, because that's how all the best conversations are made) about our roles as Christian artists. i coined a new term for myself, though i don't know if it's purely original. it has been said that we are called to be "Warriors for Christ", but i see myself more as a "Ninja for Christ". i'm not just saying this because i am a ninja (because i am) i'm saying this because in my profession -- that of the arts (not of the bank) -- my duties are to slip ideas into people heads. make them think about things. discuss things. question things. through questioning we can perhaps come to answers, if nowhere else but in ourselves. kind of like what ninjas do, only they slip shurikens into peoples heads. and the only thing a ninja will make you see within yourself is your insides when they become your outsides. the key point here is, subtlety.

well, maybe your entrails becoming your extrails isn't very subtle... but we all know what the key elements of being a ninja are. stealthy, quiet fierceness. the only way you know you've encountered a ninja is when you wake up dead and you're like "whoa what happened" and God's like "it was a ninja. don't worry about it. wanna hang out?" and then by that point it doesn't matter. but i like to think of myself not as a warrior, but a ninja for my faith. both fighters are key in winning this battle. but both have very different responsibilities.

take my mom, for instance. she owns the oldest online Catholic merchandise store in existence. she's written books on Catholic parenting. she's a warrior. me? i'm steeped into one of the most non-Christian-friendly zones a Christian could be in: Theatre. and lets not kid ourselves here. the arts in general aren't very Christian friendly zones. artists like to be free to express themselves in any way shape or form they want... well, almost any way they want. modern art is strewn with lewd and crewd attacks on Christianity, but anyone else...

I think this is a good way to sum things up.

but i digress. my point is, artists see churches as "institutions" with "rules" that hold back their ability to express. a "warrior for Christ" can't really survive in that kind of environment. as soon as he starts swinging his battle ax around, he'll get swarmed and outnumbered. because, lets not kid ourselves again, theatre isn't exactly a "hot spot" for Christians, either. anyway. the world of the arts -- especially theatre -- needs to be attacked in a subtle way. i need to show the people that i work with that not all Christians are raving right wing lunatics. i need to show them that Christians are loving, caring, kind, and happy people. i need to show them that most Christians are actually pretty down to earth people, people you can talk to.

but really, this whole analogy about "warriors" and "ninjas" is just silly. "attack", "enemies", etc, it's all kind of ridiculous. no one's really looking for a fight. the term "Warrior for Christ" really just implies not being afraid to show your faith. and i'm not. but screaming into someone's face about what you believe in will never, ever change anyone's mind. you can show how happy you are as a person -- how happy you really are knowing that Christ died for you and salvation is waiting for you if you really want it -- through your actions. through your attitude. and when people get to know me, when they find out that i'm Catholic and they can tell that there's something different about me, that's how i stand for my faith.

i am a happy person. i might be tired a lot, i might be grumpy a lot, but anyone who knows me knows that i am happy. i am hopeful. i am positive. or at least i try to be all these things. all they need to do is make the connection between me and my faith. my church. and maybe, just maybe... that will be how i can do my part.

a discrete, assimilating, but strong and determined man for my faith.

like a ninja.

or Batman.

-Corbin