Tuesday, May 31, 2011

breathing in, breathing out, not necessarily in that order

I had a friend one time tell me in college that she didn't think adults ever knew what they were doing. We were discussing how lost we felt in that whole "growing up and figuring out what you're going to do with your life" thing that everyone goes through in college. She said it didn't matter how old we got, we're still never going to know what we're doing.

I was shocked. I told her of course we'd know what we were doing some day. I told her that after a certain number of years, surely we would have seen it all, and could react to any situation with wisdom and preparedness.


What I failed to realize at the time was that no, life never stops throwing new things at you. At every stage in your life, you're always learning something new, always coming up against forces you've never reckoned with. You're getting a new job or you're trying to get promoted; you're getting engaged then getting married, then having KIDS; you just became a PTA mom, a boy scout den leader, a Knight of Columbus, the head of the social committee at work; you buy a car, you buy a house, you get loans, you get debt -- it never stops, it never lets you figure it out, it never lets you pin anything down, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME to know, you don't have time to become master of anything, you're always just trying to keep it all in the air, you'll never be able to stop and hold them and make them your bitch, you'll never really know what you're doing.

My friend was much smarter than me and she still is. I feel like a chicken with my head cut off about 90% of my day, about 8 days a week, about 32 days in the month... I guess everyone does, or maybe they don't, or maybe no one does -- maybe everyone else feels the way I do but they don't have to cry and complain about it on the internet.

I dunno, maybe.


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