Killing ourselves.

I know, I know -- I've been blogging a lot lately. I go through spells like this where my thoughts seem more clear than usual and my inner voice cries out to be written down coherently before its sentiments are lost in the mundane nature that life can sometimes take on... Anyway, I wanted to address something I've noticed about my life up to this point, although I'm not sure I'll come up with a conclusion. That being said, either skip to the end or walk away now.

Here we go?

[What follows is a personal history. It's more for my benefit than anyone else's -- masturbatory even. You can skip it if you'd like.
I've been told a handful of times in my life (hah) that I over-stretch myself. I suppose I can trace this back to as far as I can remember. I used to make claymation movies for hours as a kid, pain-stakingly creating little characters out of clay and legos, moving them half-inch by half-inch for hours, and after an entire day of working I'd have a 5 minute film, maybe. Then when I had access to better movie making technology I would spend hours filming and editing movies with my siblings and friends. Then I got into martial arts, and from a student I became a teacher, going straight from high school to karate school and staying until 10 o'clock every night. Everything up until karate were just fun things I occupied my time with, but with karate my hunger for working my ass off really started to over-power my better sense of judgement. At the tail end of my karate endeavours came theatre, which blind-sided me and re-directed my ravenous hunger to its bountiful table. Karate was one thing -- all the techniques, forms, teaching all kinds of students -- but theatre presented within itself seemingly endless varieties of work to be done. Lights, sound, acting, directing, props, costumes, stage managing -- and subcategories for each! -- there would always be something I could do! It fascinated me then and continues to fascinate me today.
Anyway, my parents had always tried to instill in me a strong work ethic in school, but nothing in school really interested me (besides the occasional English or Creative Writing class). Then, with karate and theatre, it was like the 15 years of dicking around in school reversed itself all at once. I became a machine. And I don't know if I've stopped running since.]

Where and when do we draw the line between being a hard worker and killing ourselves? How long will it take before I realize the sweat on my brow I'm so proud of might just be from all the digging I've been doing into a possible early grave? That's a little exaggerated, I know -- but there is truth in it. I see conflicting things and people all around me -- for example, I was reading the biography of the last days of Tom Dooley recently ... Here was a man who didn't even let cancer stop him from his world-wide humanitarian efforts. I think to myself, "Damn, if this guy had it in him to set up and run hospitals in third world countries while he was dying of cancer, I can certainly go without a few hours of sleep and a meal or two to help put up these shows for the good of the artist endeavours of theatre." Subsequently, one of the shows I've been working on -- "Proposals" by Neil Simon -- brings up an interesting point on "hard work". Burt Hines, the father of the family, destroyed his marriage with his hard work. He opened up shops retailing televisions, one after the other after the other, constantly on the road and away from his family, until his wife couldn't take it anymore and left him. Here's an excerpt from an argument between the divorced couple:

ANNIE: ...There was no way to stop you. The minute you had one store, you had to open another. Why wasn't it enough, Burt? Two, three stores would have been plenty. We had enough money. Why was eight stores so important?
BURT: Because I was good at it. If Babe Ruth could hit sixty home runs, why should he stop at fifteen? ... I wasn't as smart as the kids are today. I had no special gifts. The only talent I had was to put in the time.

A remarkable and admirable sentiment, but somehow flawed all the same. The question I've had to come face to face with recently has been simply: Just because I can do something, does it mean I should? When did life start becoming how high I could build my list of accomplishments? When did life get to the point where I didn't feel like my day was worth anything if I didn't crash into bed at an absurd hour absolutely exhausted? When did I turn my exhaustion and pain into pride and worthiness?

I just don't know anymore. We need hard workers for the society we've set up to function, don't we? We need Wal-Marts to be open 24 hours a day, we need late night fast food joints, we need warehouses to ship out products all day and night, we need stores to be open 365 days a year -- and yes, that means Thanksgiving, yes, that means Christmas, yes, that means Easter -- no sir, YOU have a happy holiday, because I actually have the day off, thank you.

Well, that just got really cynical really fast.

Anyway. Our work-a-holic society continues. I'll take a box of sleep deprivation, a carton of achy joints, and a twelve-pack of not-seeing-my-friends-and-family. That's the combo meal that comes with a feeling of self-worth, right? Supersize me.

Corbin

Taking yourself too seriously.

If you'll notice the top of this blog, the tag line is 'for thoughts that don't fit into a facebook status or twitter' (paraphrased.) I was going to try to sum these thoughts up in one of the aforementioned social medias, but I realized I couldn't really do it.

You know, if there's one piece of advice I give to myself and to others, it's to be confident. Even if you don't know what you're doing, compose yourself in such a manner that you at least appear like you do. Walk tall, act with conviction, use words only when necessary. I'm not always good at these things, in fact I'm terrible at almost all those things, but when I have a friend who's down or I'm down these are the things I advise them to do or try myself to do to help get their or my life in order. Be confident. At least be confident in yourself. You may not know what's going on, but you can sure as hell act like it.

But I think this ties in to taking yourself too seriously. See, I must act confident when I go and do theatre. If I don't, people will step all over me. ... On second thought, everyone does step all over me ... Anyway, when I go into auditions, I act confident, no matter how nervous I am, because what kind of director wants to cast a nervous actor? I buck up, do my thing, exit humbly, and cast or not-cast I never regret it. And then when I get on stage, I act confidently in my choices for my character, I don't make a choice wishy-washy. When my character does something, he does it, because I don't want my characters to seem wishy-washy and there isn't a director on the planet who wants an actor making wishy-washy choices.

Wishy-washy.

Just had to throw that one out there one more time.

Anyway, I'm finally coming to my point: Sometimes, I take myself too seriously. I make theatre some big, huge, important thing, practically like a god. It's so ARTISTIC, it's so DEEP, it's so IMPORTANT. Hey, theatre is important. But it's not life. It imitates life. If I spend my entire life doing theatre non-stop, when do I get to live the life that I'm supposed to be imitating? That's just a personal thing and it's neither here nor there, but what I'm trying to say is: just because there's something that you do, and just because you take it seriously, doesn't mean it's all that fucking important. I'm in a show? So what. I'm not gonna make my friends and family drive 30 or 45 minutes from Olathe to KC or wherever unless they really want to. I'm in a show? So what. I'm not gonna loose sleep over whether or not every little thing is going well. I'm in a show?

So what.

Now, I do take it seriously.
And I do love it.
And I always do my best.

But Theatre? It's a part of life. It isn't life itself.

And no matter what it is that you do in life that you take seriously? Keep that in mind as well.

lol. sorry. couldn't resist.

A friendly (or maybe not so friendly depending on how you take it) reminder that there are 6 billion people on this earth and probably only a handful of them actually give a damn about whatever it is that you take seriously and love. And no, that's not cynical. It just makes whoever it is that you do the things you do with that much more special.

Corbin

breathing in, breathing out, not necessarily in that order

I had a friend one time tell me in college that she didn't think adults ever knew what they were doing. We were discussing how lost we felt in that whole "growing up and figuring out what you're going to do with your life" thing that everyone goes through in college. She said it didn't matter how old we got, we're still never going to know what we're doing.

I was shocked. I told her of course we'd know what we were doing some day. I told her that after a certain number of years, surely we would have seen it all, and could react to any situation with wisdom and preparedness.

Right?

What I failed to realize at the time was that no, life never stops throwing new things at you. At every stage in your life, you're always learning something new, always coming up against forces you've never reckoned with. You're getting a new job or you're trying to get promoted; you're getting engaged then getting married, then having KIDS; you just became a PTA mom, a boy scout den leader, a Knight of Columbus, the head of the social committee at work; you buy a car, you buy a house, you get loans, you get debt -- it never stops, it never lets you figure it out, it never lets you pin anything down, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME to know, you don't have time to become master of anything, you're always just trying to keep it all in the air, you'll never be able to stop and hold them and make them your bitch, you'll never really know what you're doing.

My friend was much smarter than me and she still is. I feel like a chicken with my head cut off about 90% of my day, about 8 days a week, about 32 days in the month... I guess everyone does, or maybe they don't, or maybe no one does -- maybe everyone else feels the way I do but they don't have to cry and complain about it on the internet.

I dunno, maybe.

Corbin

I'm terrible at updating this thing...

Sup, foos? It's uh... me again!

Aight, so life is what it is at the moment, you know, pretty crazy. I've started my own business (www.amway.com/corbinh), the play I was in ("American Bear" by Larry Mitchell) changed from a full-on production to a staged reading, rehearsals started for "Proposals" by Neil Simon at Parkville, and She&Her Productions is about to run head first into their next season. This means lots of work ahead for me, but work I'm excited to do.

As all these things stack up on my shoulders, I can't help but pause and reflect on habits I've begun to pick up on.

My social life has suffered immeasurably. This cannot be helped, and that's why it sort of breaks my heart. I need this job, this 9-5 job, in order to survive. I need Theatre, these 6-10 rehearsals, in order to stay sane. This leaves little to no time seeing my friends and family. Fortunately, I have lots of friends in theatre, and even some friends at the bank. Sometimes, I have weekends free, which gives me time to see family and non-theatre folk more. But I have so many other friends in town that I haven't seen in months. Hm.

This is my lament. I'm sorry for being a shitty friend/son/brother. Even a shitty boyfriend, some times. I guess I'm still just trying to figure out how this whole "Adult" thing works.

How do people hold down a job, do fulfilling work, and find enough time to share with their loved ones?

Maybe some people get to have a fulfilling job. Maybe some people have better time management skills. Maybe some people don't sleep.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Come out and support the arts when you can, because Senator Sam Brownback just gave the arts a nice kick in the balls, and we're gonna need all the help we can get to stay afloat now.

Theater blog to be updated soon. Comparison/Contrast of 2 productions of "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee." Sweet action.

-Corbin

one of the most commited men i know

see this guy?

looks pretty clueless, doesn't he? well sometimes looks can be deceiving, but other times they can be spot on.

in this case, it's the latter.

so in my last post a little while ago, i decided to "take a break from acting". i turned down being in the next Bottom's Up Sketch Comedy show. i didn't audition for another show i was really interested in over in Parkville. but, well, things have their ways of tipping you off your axis...

i just accepted the role of Vinnie in Neil Simon's "Proposals" over in Parkville. no, i didn't audition, but good friends of mine asked me to take the part and i accepted. i'm helping them out and, let's face it, getting a lot out of it myself. i'm not gonna lie, i'm really stoked.

and as soon as i accepted the role... as soon as i woke up the next day and began to get ready for work... this sense of clarity came over me. clarity like i haven't had in a while. a sense of sharpness and keaness in my mind and vision i only get when i'm acting in a show.

and let me tell you... it feels really fucking good.

maybe this will end up biting me in the ass, financially or otherwise. but that's the risk we all take when we accept a role. in theatre, or otherwise.

time to steal the show.

Corbin.

leave it to me to make things dramatic...

this is life, isn't it? you try, and you work, and you hope, and you pray, cross your fingers... and things don't always work out. but it's all about how you handle the things that don't work out. i'm just going to have to handle this to the best of my abilities.

here's my situation: i want to be independent, more than i want to do theatre, more than i want to do anything else. the only way to do that is to buckle down, work more, earn as much money as i can, and get out. the way i've been doing things so far, though... well, i just can't keep doing what i've been doing.

without looking too far into the future, the thing i've been thinking that would be best to do is just to cease all superfluous activity that won't make me money for a long time. no more theater, no more concerts, no unnecessary outings (as much fun as they are.) i'm moving back into my house at Olathe (as much as it PAINS ME to type those words), i'm going to try to pick up another job, and save, save, save.

i was thinking i could try to be big mr. independent-theatre-guy right out of the gates of college. this just isn't so. theatre has become a very expensive hobby, both in time and money. the thing i have to remind myself is: it will always be there. it isn't going anywhere. i'm not going to take up one day and all the theaters are gone, "Oh no, I missed my chance!" but i'm not getting anymore financially stable staying involved in it. in fact, quite the opposite. i wanted to make theatre my career, i wanted to teach it. but right now it's taking up too much of my time and money and it's not helping me get on my feet. once i'm on my feet, then i can start thinking about a responsible way to participate in the art that i love so much.

but for right now, play time's over.

maybe this is an over-reaction to things falling apart around me.
maybe this is an over-reaction to things not going the way i thought they would.
maybe this is an over-reaction in response to excessive amounts of anger and stress that i've been experiencing in my life lately.

maybe it is.
but i need to point myself in some direction.
as of the past 2 weeks, i have had none.
so at least if i tell myself what i want to do, if i can wake up everyday and say to myself "you've got a plan, Corbin, you've got to stay the course..."
well...

then maybe i can make it out of this thing alive.
but as of right now...

i can't keep going the way i've been going.

thanks for listening,
Corbin

of no importance

Today I decided to just talk about what's going on in my life. It's sort of a way for me to get things in order, to reflect, to maybe take notice of where I should be putting more of my time and energy.

• Currently reading: "Different Seasons" by Stephen King, "Rediscovering Catholocism" by Matthew Kelly, and "Proposals" by Neil Simon.
• Currently listening to lots of: The Naked and Famous (think M83 with more vocals, especially female, and a little poppier); Jonsi (lead singer of Sigur Ros, amazing CD); and Peter Fox (German rap/hip hop artist. Psh, yeah).
• Judged my first forensics tournament this weekend. It was a lot of fun! I'd love to do it again. I judged "Informative Speeches". Some were pretty rad, some not, but they all tried their hardest and did pretty decent jobs.
• Won $50 at a Super Bowl party last night from the final score numbers. Booyah.
• My room is still in a bit of disaray from the party I threw last weekend. Need to get that checked into today.
• My dream last night was that I was in a building where it was heaven upstairs, hell downstairs. You could only get downstairs by a really creepy ladder that came out of a hole in the floor. In heaven you could swim if you imagined the room was filled with water and fly if you imagined you were in the sky, and I got scared a few times because I started flying when I meant to swim... Oh yeah, and Satan was Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds, Green Hornet) and he was directing a play and I was the designer for lights and set. Huh.
• Been spending all my free time playing Tetris and watching movies on Netflix and old ones I downloaded ages ago but hadn't watched til just now. Of note are "The Road", "Vanilla Sky", and the PBS production of "Macbeth" with Patrick Stewart. All these movies are amazing. And my highest score on Tetris has been 93 lines.

Whew. I feel better just laying it all out like that.

That's all.

Corbin.